Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
