I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
