im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
