I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
