oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Your penis caused this!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
