oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
he told me I talked like a deaf person
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
