I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
