i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
