Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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