Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
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