Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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