There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
