I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
