Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
