Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
