mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
