Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
