Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
