I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize