You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
