The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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