whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
