i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
