So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
