Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Someone signed my nipple.
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