Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
If I had your ass I would rule the world
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
