he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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