I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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