last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
