4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
