turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
