So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
