So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
