he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
