So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
either way he was missing a nipple.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
