I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
PANTIES FOUND
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