Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
