Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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