Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
