Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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