So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize