How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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