i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
