I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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