there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
