Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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