the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
