Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
