oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
