I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
