brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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