I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
