Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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