I cannot find my penis.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
