You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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