So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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