she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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