dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You have to summon your inner elephant
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
