Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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