apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize