I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
