i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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