So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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