Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize