Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
bring money and cleavage
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize