i need an iv and a liver transplant
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
