I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
