Grow some girl-balls and come out already
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
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