I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
