All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
