Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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