I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize